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Darnk

Page history last edited by Dan McGirt 7 years, 2 months ago

Darnk: One of the Eleven Kingdoms. Homeland of Jason Cosmo. Darnk is poor in resources, devoid of cultural attainments and utterly lacking in martial might. The land is unpleasant to visit and even less pleasant to live in. Poorest and most backward of the Eleven Kingdoms. Elsewhere, Darnk and its inhabitants are the subjects of a popular form of humor known as the Darnker Joke.

"All roads lead from Darnk." -- Darnkish proverb

DARNK

Capital: Ordure

Government: Monarchy

Ruler: King Fecal IV

Population: Sickly

Non-Human:

Resources: Turnips, fungus, lead, mercury, arsenic, pine cones

Currency: The lead Dreck or the wooden Skank

Slavery: No

Fun Facts

Magic is illegal in Darnk, on penalty of death.
Darnk is sometimes called the "Armpit of Arden".
More than 567 types of fungus grow in Darnk that are found nowhere else in Arden. So far.
Darnk boasts 59 varieties of fungus tea, including tangy Toenail Zinger.
Notable Darnkites include Jason Cosmo. And also ... no, that's about it.
Brythalia and the now-defunct kingdom of Ostphalia fought the War of the Darnkish Succession to avoid taking control of Darnk. Ostphalia lost and was never heard from again.
The practice of magic and casting of spells are forbidden in Darnk, on penalty of death by burning at the stake.

Geography

Located north by northeast of and upstream from Brythalia along the River Longwash. Darnk's forests are full of warped, stunted, knotty trees. Its barren hills are devoid of gold, iron, gems or other valuable minerals. Darnk's countless slime-sodden lakes, ponds and bogs swarm with snakes and toads. The fungus-clogged rivers and streams are distinguished by the sludgy quality of their greenish-brown water. The slime bogs are especially foul-smelling in the spring.

Road Through Nowhere

The only overland connection to the rest of the Eleven Kingdoms is an unmaintained dirt track along the east bank of the Longwash, leading south and west from Offal through an unclaimed and largely uninhabited region of hills and rough scrub that lies between Darnk and northern Brythalia. This road covers approximately thirty-five leagues to the settlement of Grimmel in the Brythalian forest region.

The hills east of this road are considered haunted, cursed and full of monsters. Bear, goat, deer, boar, hobcat and various fowl, including the stinkbird, are plentiful in this region. Darnkers also believe the area to be filled with gruffasaur, grumpsnort, horngrim, stumpthrower, rock toad, bully beetle, goblins, hobgoblins, snobgoblins, boggin, frownie, ghosts, slithy toves, scare hag, phantom creeper, free-range enchanted kettle, and the terrible, terrible Jib-Jab Man.

Climate

The summers are hot and the winters cold. The sky is usually cloudy. Even on a good day, the air is rank and foul, thick with dust and clouds of stinging insects.

Economy

Darnkites raise pigs, chickens and goats, but not in abundance, for the herds are frequently decimated by pestilence or wolves. Darnk grows several varieties of turnip, which the inhabitants pickle, cure and brew into rutabaga beer. The harvest is invariably poor.

Darnk lacks significant mineral wealth, except for abundant lead.

Trade with the outside world is limited, as Darnk has very little that anyone else wants. Each spring a small caravan of shifty-eyed peddlers comes up from Brythalia with a load of castoff and defective goods to trade in the junk market at Offal.

The national currency is the dreck, a practically worthless lead coin. Of even less value is the wooden skank. With much cajoling, one might possibly exchange a bag of drecks for goods or services in neighboring Brythalia. But nobody outside Darnk will take a worthless skank.

Pine cones are also accepted as currency, though increasingly considered a bit gauche.

Laws and Customs

Darnk has highly egalitarian culture, due mainly to the population being almost uniformly poor. Darnkites fear magic, foreigners, and baths in roughly that order.

The king lives in what is called a palace, but really amounts to a large rambling shack. The few remaining nobles live in essentially the same state as their nominal vassals, as putting on airs by acting high and mighty is a good way to get a pitchfork in the back. The people of Whiteswab are an exception, but are tolerated by other Darnkites so long as they confine their oddness to their own town.

"We're all peasants in Darnk. Except the king, who is a king. We also have a lord or two, but we pay them little heed." -- Jason Cosmo, Hero Wanted.

Military

Darnk has no military to speak of. It doesn't need one as, again, no one in their right mind would actually invade Darnk, nor is there anything there worth fighting over. Darnk has little problem with bandits or brigands, as there is nothing in the realm worth stealing. Even slavers don't bother raiding Darnk, because it is so far away from the rest of the Eleven Kingdoms as to make transporting captives to market prohibitively difficult and because Darnkites are generally so frail and sickly as to make poor slaves.

The city of Offal employs a few poorly equipped men-at-arms to guard its gates, walls, and palace. The Sanitary Police of Whiteswab are good at swinging maces and bullying unarmed people, but lack proper weapons, armor and training. There is no standing army.

History

Darnk was once a pleasant and beautiful kingdom known as the "Jewel of Arden" until the land was cursed by the evil sorcerer Gorgibund the Ghastly in 611 AH. As a result of this calamity, Gorgibund's Curse, that all practice of magic is banned in Darnk.

The War of the Darnkish Succession was fought between Brythalia and Ostphalia to avoid having to take possession of the Darnkish crown. Brythalia won the brief war, forcing the Ostphalian claimant to accept the Darnkish throne (and with it the effects of Gorgibund's curse). Ostphalia collapsed soon thereafter and was absorbed by Brythalia.

In the Great Turnip Tax Rebellion of 923 AH, the people of Darnk killed or drove out most of the nobles. The few who remained agreed not to impose onerous turnip taxes.

Holidays

Feast of Groveling

All Famine's Day (mud pies and grubworm tarts!)

Misgivings Eve

Misgivings Day

Pond Plunge

Feast of the Moldy Biscuits

Principal Settlements

Cities: